Do you remember the first few months of being in love? Remember those early days… effortless it all was, how easy this amazing person was to speak to – you felt like you could share your deepest, darkest secrets and desires with them, because there was just something about them. You felt comfortable, safe, at ease, and drawn to share what was in your heart.

The through line here is connection. Genuine, heart opening connection IS intimacy. It’s not what we see in the movies.

We create it without much awareness in the beginning,  and then, as times goes on, we can choose to re-create it again, and again. It changes, it blossoms at times, then it shuts down while we are going through challenges….but it’s always available to us. All we have to do, is to choose to step towards each other once again, and again, and again.

So, getting back to coffee and sex (although not necessarily in that order, lol) – to the extent that you can sit with your partner and share a coffee and speak openly and intimately, are you able to really connect during sex. Sex is just an extension of all the other moments of intimacy in your relationship. So if you’re not really communicating, or if you’re not really having good sex, it’s not because you’re not capable of it and you’ve lost the spark, it’s because somewhere else, you’re not really talking about the things that really draw you both together, or the things that are pulling you apart, the things that helped you create your unique loving space, and the things that feel like they’re destroying it. This is the space that you occupy together. It’s full of everything that makes up who you both are collectively, and within that, there are the things that make up who you are individually too. Keeping that space fluid and open, is what creates that through line.

And those are often things you least expect to be connection points. Sometimes, it’s the things that really scare you, the things that you’re concerned about, and the things that you feel are the hardest to admit to, the hardest to share…the aspects of yourself that you don’t really want to embrace or accept.

For a moment, think about how when you reach into your own heart and you confront your own fears they feel less scary, less powerful. Bearing your own soul to your fears, is like looking directly at the Pleiades star constellation.  It looks so clear and defined from the corner of our vision, and yet, when we focus on it directly, it immediately blurs, softens. It has much less of a center to it. Fear is the same. The power, the intensity and fright of it, softens when we choose to look at it directly and openly.

So, if you can communicate that thing that’s freaking you out to your partner and say, ok, this is what’s freaking me out right now, this is what’s got me in knots inside,  you will be able to feel closer to each other. And when you feel close, whether it’s sharing a morning coffee or having crazy good sex, those things are natural by-products of that connection.

It’s also good to know that the through line is never, ever completely lost. If we search our heart, and find that deep down, even after the hurts and challenges, that we still find love there, that we still choose to be with this person, then we can re-create that through line.

That’s a deeply warming, comforting thought, isn’t it?

Now let’s get the kettle on.

FILED UNDER: healthy relationship